Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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