a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize