Is it because I queefed?
I checked into jail on foursquare
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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