Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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