So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
