You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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