are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
This is classic penis vs brain.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Sorry about my life...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize