I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
