The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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