so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
it was like having sex with a tree stump
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize