The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
