He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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