need another drink. this is the easiest way
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
