I can text with my tongue
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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