I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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