I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
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