also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
