I want to walk on stilts...naked
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
