Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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