Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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