he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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