I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
