Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize