god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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