Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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