I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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