I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize