my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
