Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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