WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
