Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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