Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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