I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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