You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize