I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
They have beer where we have blood.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
