Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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