you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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