You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
