How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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