dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You're earring is so big in my mouth
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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