I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Randomize
