oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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