what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
