you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
