I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
