Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
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