Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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