I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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