You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Why is your signature on my underwear?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Sext me about skeletons
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize