Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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