Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize