It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
