so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
