Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
