dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
tell me about the fingering
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