I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just gargled with NyQuil
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
