I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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