The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
