i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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