Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I want her autograph on my taint
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
